Log in


July 2009




RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com

Previous 10

Jul. 31st, 2009


Hi, I am Leo

-30 years old
-Mother of 5 (living)
-Mother of 5 (angels) Twins in 08'
-Expecting our 6th child EDD 3.5.10
-I love to Dance, Sing, Workout, Weight lift, Yoga, Kick boxing, Boxing, Martial Arts, etc

That's just the Basics. Anything else you'd like to know just ask.

My blog is public for the most part. Feel free to read thru it and if moved to do so add me :). Blessings.

Mar. 3rd, 2008

jaeci missing you



dogs barking in the middle of the night are never a good thing
i lay awake in the darkness
jeani and jaxen snoring on either side of me
it is times like these
that my mind believes it has license to wander where i will not let it go during the day

i have yet to find a tether to stop it

i stare at my documents folder
it is as empty as the arm that was meant for jaeci
as empty as the void that her death left in my heart

my past words died with a computer crash
my voice died in the middle of a nicu in albany almost 17 months ago

i am a white screen
with a silent blinking cursor

Dec. 9th, 2007

jaeci missing you



Held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 9, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Sep. 25th, 2007

jaeci missing you


word for us?

Doris Ober wrote When your husband dies, you become a widow. When your wife dies, a widower. Children who lose their parents are called orphans. But we have no name for the parent who loses a child, nor for the brothers and sisters of a child who dies, nor for the others--aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, even the friends, contemporaries, and adults--who experience the loss of a child they love.

i want to offer up

Kindberer, meaning one who is bereft of/lost a child
it is not the prettiest of words, but then again it is not the prettiest of circumstances..

what do you all think?
use it, blog it, make it a word.


Jun. 26th, 2007

jaeci missing you



i am a poet
i have been blocked since we lost jaeci
this just came to me in the fog of existence between sleep and wakefulness
it is very intense and sad
but i felt i had to share..
may be triggerCollapse )

May. 13th, 2007


Still a Mommy

Still A Mommy

"Do you have any children?" That is probably the question I dread to hear the most.

It's considered small talk in our society but there's nothing small about it to me. I struggled for months over how to answer that question without provoking too much discussion or silencing a room, dampening a festive event. On one hand, I think I should say "no" and that would end the discussion and not make anyone uncomfortable. On the other hand, I think... Well yes, I'm still a mommy. Saying I'm not a mommy is not only dishonest, but it cheapens what I and my children went through just to be together. They deserve to be remembered and acknowledged, so now when people ask me if I have any children, I tell them, "None living", and give a smile.

I'm an open book really, so be careful what you ask because you will get an honest answer. I do love to talk about my children just like other moms do, but the stories will likely be very different. That's just life.

How do I define what being a mommy is? I'd say it's the person that loves you no matter what. It's someone who takes care of you when you are sick and teaches you what she knows. It's someone who holds you tight when you are scared or sad. It's the person that kisses a boo-boo better than anyone else. Above all else, it's a privilege not to be taken lightly and it takes more than just giving birth.

I'd like to send my heartfelt well wishes to all the moms out there... The moms with their kids still with them, who will likely get a hug and a kiss and if they're lucky, a breakfast in bed.

I also want to take a moment to acknowledge the other moms that don't get noticed.

The mom that carries a pregnancy for any length of time but does not give birth to a living child. You're still a mommy.

The mom that makes the hard decision to give her baby up for adoption. You're a mommy too.

The mom who takes care of all the wild fur-babies running around the neighborhod. You're a mom.

The school nurse who feeds, clothes and puts band-aids on all the skinned knees and elbows. You're a mommy to many.

The mom who's baby was born alive and died later. You'll always be a mommy. Don't forget it.

The mom who has babies or children of any age and no living children to show for it. Definitely a mommy.

The minister who consoles and cares for a member who has no one to turn to. You're a spiritual mommy.

The people who volunteer for the charities for kids that help fill those spots that moms normally do but for whatever reason are not. You're all mommies to those kids.

The ones who adopt or give foster care so the kids don't have to grow up with no parents. You're a mommy.

I don't have soccer pictures or prom pictures to show off. I didn't raise my child, seeing them off to college. I'll never get the scribbled cards or be able to hear "I love you mom", but please don't give me pity. I just want to be treated like I'm still a mommy.


Jan. 17th, 2007


(no subject)

I was 15 when I had my daughters.  Twin girls.  I had planned to place my daughters for adoption and picked a family.  They came to the hospital when they were born and both were very healthy at birth.  The hospital procedure is that the babies stay 2 nights as does the mother.  Geneveive was great, everything was going perfect, but Laura had to stay behind and be put in the unit.  She passed away on April 25, 2001 due to heart failure.  Geneveive is still doing great...she's a perfectly healthy little girl who is full of life!! Even though the girls were adopted, a piece of me left when Laura died.  It still hurts like the day it happened and it's been years...

Jan. 5th, 2007

tattoo back


how is everyone?

its been so quiet lately

the holidays were horrible. i am glad that they are over. i feel kind of bad because it was his first holiday season, and i spent most of it crying. :(

Dec. 9th, 2006

jaeci missing you


(no subject)

Nov. 29th, 2006

tattoo back



jaxen is going to have his surgery on friday.
i do not know how i am going to hand him over
i am such a nervous wreck after what happened to jaeci in the hospital.
he has to stay overnight and we are going to stay with him

i will not survive if something happens to him

Previous 10